Mr Funny
by Diaphanous
Summary: Sets of drabbles. Zack is odd. Angeal can only watch.
1. Weirdo

**Mr. Funny**

Disclaimer: I'm just playing here, no own. And I couldn't help myself. Zack is too cute in Crisis Core and I like messing with Angeal for some odd reason.

000

"Hey Angeal."

Angeal Hewley sighed and turned toward his apprentice. "What is it, Zack?" he asked. He and the young SOLDIER 3rd were sitting in his office after a meeting with Scarlet of all people.

"I didn't like being in Scarlet's office," the teen announced.

"Why?"

"It reeks of evil."

"What?"

"Either that or it's sausage." Zack looked so concentrated that he looked constipated. "Nope, I'm pretty sure it was evil."

Angeal didn't know whether to laugh or to be horrified.

000

"I had a ghost poopie today," Zack proclaimed.

"A what?" Angeal's gray eyes were wide in disbelief. He didn't just hear that, right?

"You know, a ghost poopie."

"Zack, what in the hell are you taking about?"

"I took a crap," Zack said slowly, as if explaining to a child. "But it was a ghost crap."

"Zack, seriously what are you talking about?"

"There are different kinds of poopie. A ghost poopie is when you feel the poopie come out but there's no poopie in the toilet."

"Zack, are you doing drugs?"

000

Zack sighed and shook his head. "Man, you must be a proctologist, Angeal," he said.

Angeal looked up from his paperwork. "Why do you say that?" He braced himself for another piece of Zack's weirdness.

"Because you work with assholes!"

The SOLDIER First couldn't find it in himself to disagree.

000

"That was idiotic, Zack," Angeal said in exasperation. He was referring to another incident caused by his apprentice's inability to shut up.

"I'm not a complete idiot," Zack replied sincerely. "Some important parts are just missing."

Angeal had no comment.

000

Angeal and Zack were approaching the elevators when a few Turks joined them. The older SOLDIER politely pressed the button for them as well as for the SOLDIER floor. All of them were going down from the conference rooms. Angeal had a bad feeling as the doors closed.

"CHUTES AWAY!!" Zack hollered as the elevator descended.

It was a tribute to the Turks when they didn't even blink.

000

Angeal didn't know if it was a good idea to let Zack wander into the candy aisle in the grocery store. Hopefully the boy didn't buy any. The younger SOLDIER was hyper enough as it is. He let out a sigh of relief when Zack came back empty handed. The two proceeded to the checkout to pay for the ingredients for tonight's supper.

"Hey Angeal?"

"What?"

"Why do they call the smaller sized candy bars 'fun-sized'?

"I don't know."

"I mean, wouldn't it be more fun to eat a big one?"

The clerk giggled at them.

000

"My butt hurts."

"What?" Angeal, out of morbid curiosity, asked.

Zack gingerly sat on the couch next to his mentor. "I had a spinal tap poopie," he said.

"What does that mean?" the older man couldn't help but blurt out.

"A poopie that hurts so much that I swear it came out sideways."

Angeal silently swore never to ask about Zack's bowel movements ever again.

000

Angeal was in a panic. He had lost Zack in the twenty-four hours Super Mal-Store. He had looked in the food half of the store and was currently checking the general merchandise half. The last time this had happened he had found the younger brunet challenging other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap. He skidded to a halt in front of the toys.

Zack looked up and grinned like the madman that he was. "Hiya Angeal!" he crowed. The three little boys with him waved at the big SOLDIER.

The SOLDIER First slapped a palm to his face at the scene.

Leave it to Zack to use an entire aisle to set up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Mikes versus Z-Men.

000

"Zack!"

Zack fumbled with the empty container of orange juice and attempted to hide it behind his back. "Oh! Hi Angeal!"

"Zack, why is there a trail of orange juice leading to the men's room on the SOLDIER floor?" Angeal waved at said juice and the group of SOLDIERs eyeing the bathroom door.

"You sure that's orange juice?" The teen just smiled at Angeal's glare.

000

End... or is it? Lol, it's two thirty in the morning here! Night, night!


	2. Bizarre

**Mr. Funny**

Disclaimer: I'm just playing here, no own. Once again I am bored enough to be compelled to write Zack drabbles. Oh Zack... XD

000

Whoever said that raising a teenager was like nailing jell-o to a tree had obviously met Zachary Fair. Angeal could only watch as his apprentice darted around the story humming the theme song to the movie 'Mission: Unachievable'.

The older man wondered what he did in a previous life to deserve this.

000

The first time Genesis and Zack met would forever been imprinted in Angeal's mind. The three SOLDIERs were at a restaurant in Sector Eight. Zack was staring unblinking at the redhead with a wide, uncanny grin on his youthful face.

Genesis finally cracked under the pressure. "WHAT?" he demanded.

"I'm wearing new socks!" Zack announced proudly. A poignant silence ensued then Genesis leaned away from the younger man.

Angeal could only sigh.

000

"Zack, you idiot!" Kunsel shouted. Angeal looked up from his book to watch the interaction from his seat in the lounging area of the SOLDIER floor. The shorter SOLDIER was obviously talking to Zack, which didn't surprise the older man. Though he was curious as to what his apprentice had done or said this time. Kunsel continued. "You can't just put cans of cat food into random people's bags! Have you lost your ever-loving mind?" he demanded.

"Noo...." Zack drawled. "I haven't lost my mind."

"Oh really?"

"Yep! It's backed up on disk somewhere."

Kunsel screamed in frustration. Angeal just turned back to his book. Definitely not involved, nope.

000

Zack was reading a newspaper. Angeal whipped his head around and blinked. What in the world had compelled the boy to pick up the Daily Midgar?

"Oh look another lottery winner! But he's just normal..."

"Zack, what are you doing?"

"Uh... have you gone blind? Reading the newspaper."

"Why?" Angeal just couldn't help himself, really he couldn't.

"Wanted to see who won the lottery." A pause then Zack folded the newspaper. "Angeal?"

"What?"

"How come you never see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery' anyway?"

Angeal knew something had been fishy.

000

There was only one time Zack had ever been mean to someone. He had had a bad day. Apparently he had gotten a letter from his mom saying that his favorite aunt had died but he couldn't make it to the funeral because of work and expenses. So there he was, with Angeal, sitting next to some whiny SOLDIER Third who was complaining to the usually cheerful boy on a long and bumpy truck ride to some stupid assignment. Finally Zack had enough and turned toward the petty teen next to him.

"Hey Henderson."

"Yeah, what?"

"I think you've confused me with someone who gives a rat's ass."

An awkward silence permeated the air. Nearly everyone was gaping at Zack. Henderson looked like he was going to cry.

Angeal, understandingly, just patted his apprentice on the back.

000

"I just realized something," Zack proclaimed. He and Angeal were unfortunately in a crowded elevator. Every single person turned their heads to look at him.

"What's that?" one of the passengers said.

Oh no...

"Gaia is the insane asylum for the universe."

"Obviously," Angeal muttered.

000

"Meow."

Why these incidents almost always happen on the elevator, Angeal would never know. Several confused passengers looked around. The SOLDIER First just stoically stared ahead, his grinning apprentice bouncing in place beside him.

"What the?" one person muttered. As a collective they shrugged it off. Several more people entered the elevator and it continued its descent.

"Meow."

"Does anyone else hear that?" someone asked.

"Yeah, who let a cat in?"

"Meow."

Angeal valiantly struggled to keep a straight face.

"Seriously where's it coming from?"

All of the sudden Zack screamed like a banshee, causing everyone else, besides Angeal, to scream with him.

000

"I don't want to ask but I'm going to," Angeal said.

Zack looked up from the marble in his palm. "Ask what?" he wondered.

"What are you going to do with that?" The older man pointed at the little glass orb. He didn't appreciate the unholy grin on his apprentice's face. The gray-eyed SOLDIER watched as Zack trotted over to a small group of chattering women.

Zack closed one eye and dropped the marble loudly. "OH SHIT!" he bellowed. "My glass eye!" With that the women screamed and scattered.

Angeal slowly inhaled then exhaled. He shouldn't have asked.

000

"Angeal, my friend, I believe your apprentice suffers from insanity," Genesis said. He had witnessed the scene with the glass marble and had scuttled up to Angeal.

Angeal snorted and eyed his laughing apprentice. "I believe you have it wrong," he retorted.

"Oh really? Explain that then." The redhead pointed at the boy who was now rolling on the floor and clutching his stomach.

"He doesn't suffer from insanity." Angeal paused to make his announcement more dramatic. "He enjoys every minute of it."

Genesis made himself walk away.

000

END... I think...


	3. Strange

**Mr. Funny**

Disclaimer: I'm just playing here, no own. The lulz never stop...

000

"Hug me."

Angeal dropped his stack of papers and stared at Zack. Genesis spewed soda all over his friend's desk and started hacking and coughing.

"Hug me!" Zack repeated. The strange thing was the command wasn't directed at Angeal but at the seated Genesis.

"The devil?!" Genesis shouted. His eyes darted around. "You talking to me?"

Zack nodded. "Hug me," he said. He held out his arms. "I want one now."

"From me?"

"Yup!"

Genesis dashed out the door in a desperate attempt to escape. Zack was hot on his heels. Angeal looked forlornly at his scattered papers.

000

The coffee pot was empty. Now usually something like that didn't bother Angeal except for one problem... This coffee pot was his personal one, which was located in his apartment in his kitchen. And he knew the Genesis wouldn't touch the stuff with a ten-foot pole so there was only one other person who could have drained his coffee pot. The one person Angeal did not want drinking coffee, especially in his apartment.

"COFFEE!!!" Zack screamed. "CoffeeCoffeeCoffee! Cappuccino!"

Angeal slowly backed away from his crazed looking apprentice and ran for the door.

000

"Um sir?" Kunsel said.

"Yes, Sergeant, what is it?" Angeal asked. How unusual. Kunsel never approached him... unless.... "Never mind, it's Zack, isn't it?"

"Not yet, sir. But um... I should probably warn you that they just polished the marble in the main entrance of the building, sir."

Angeal's eyes widened in abject horror and he dashed for the elevators. Oh no, oh no, hurry up! He hurriedly slapped at the buttons and stumbled into the one that opened first. He finally arrived at the second floor and ran down the stairs to the main entrance. But it was too late.

Zack let out a whoop and in sock-covered feet he slide across the newly polished marble floor. Unfortunately, the young SOLDIER lost control and his arms were helplessly waving around like a pinwheel in an effort to maintain his balance. All the while, as he slipped and slid around, Zack was spewing out foul and inappropriate phases.

"DAMN IT! ARGH! SHIT! MOTHER EFFING FARG!! OH NONONO!! AAAH!!" Zack fell ass over teakettle into one of the potted plants.

000

BOOM!

The entire apartment building rocked from the explosion. Angeal managed to catch his prized, one of a kind Wutainese cherry blossom vase. Unfortunately he didn't get to save his super expensive Nibel Wolf statue. The black-haired man didn't know whether to go on a rampage or to cry. Instead he gently set his vase back in its stand and stalked into the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks and stared.

The entire kitchen was white... from flour and something else that was liquid and dripping from his ceiling. And in the middle of the mess were Zack and Genesis. Both were covered in the same white goop that was dripping from the ceiling.

"HE DID IT!" Genesis screamed, pointing at Zack. He managed to fling more white goop onto the blue-eyed youth with the gesture.

Zack smiled and nodded. "It was awesome," he said.

Angeal did a full body twitch, exhaled slowly, whirled around on his heel, and he walked away.

000

"I want cake!" Zack declared. He was with Angeal and Genesis in a restaurant for dinner.

"You can't have a dessert for a meal," Genesis pointed out.

"But... dessert is one of the four essential meals of the day!" the young brunet gasped.

The waiter looked confused and Angeal? Well, Angeal hid himself behind his menu.

000

"Oof!" a young voice said.

Zack blinked and looked down at the little cadet that he had ran into on accident. The cadet, with the biggest blue eyes Zack had ever seen and the cutest face, looked up at him. "Oops, sorry little dude!" he chirped. He hauled up the cadet. "Heh, your hair looks like a Chocobo, little dude."

"It does not!" the cadet exclaimed. "And why didn't you see me?"

"Because you're short!"

With a dead serious tone the cadet retorted. "I'm not short. I just live in a big world," he stated. Zack guffawed, patted the blond cadet on the head, and continued on his way.

And that was how Cloud Strife really met Zack Fair.

000

Zack watched wide-eyed as the girl, who was supposed to be a hostage, give one last kick into her captor's crotch. "Um... hi," he said lamely.

The girl, who had obviously saved herself, looked at him with raised eyebrows. "What do you want?" she demanded.

"Ugh... I was supposed to save you because you know... you were a hostage."

"Oh wonderful," she said. "Did you think I was a damsel in distress that needed a hero?"

Zack scratched his head. "Well, yeah," the SOLDIER replied.

"Pft. Whatever, loser. I am a damsel. I was in distress. I handled it. Have a nice day, hero-boy."

Zack had the distinct feeling that he had been stabbed.

000

"What happened to your face?" Angeal wondered. He was staring at the red handprint on Zack's unusually glum face.

"Well... an old lady asked me if her butt looked big in this dress that she was wearing. Since she asked I told her yes and she slapped me." Zack looked flabbergasted at the entire situation.

"Zack, you were supposed to lie!"

"Oh. But I never lie, why start now?"

"I used to be the same way. But it turns out if you never lie, someone's always mad at you," Angeal said.

"Oooh!"

000

It was quiet in the crowded elevator. Too quiet. Angeal knew it was only a matter of time until Zack did something weird. He braced himself.

BURP!! "Mmm.... tasty!" Zack crowed.

"Ewww!!!" one of the secretaries in the elevator screamed.

000

"Seeds grow plants, right?" Zack asked out of the blue, which was normal for him.

"Yes, why?" Angeal replied. He didn't even bother looking up from the report that he was reading.

"So... does that mean that birdseed grow birds?"

"Zack, I'm not even going to bother answering that."

000

END... for now methinks...


	4. Odd

**Mr. Funny**

_Disclaimer_: Lalalala... Don't own, will never own. Don't rub it in.

000

"He's a villain, right?" Zack wondered aloud. He and Angeal were crouched behind some bushes, listening to their current opponent ranting.

"Obviously," Angeal replied. "Considering the crap he's babbling."

"All I hear is 'blah blah blah **world domination** blah blah **cue evil laugh** blah'. Geez, can't bad guys come up with something more original?" the younger SOLDIER whined. "How many times a week do we hear about some weirdo planning to conquer the world?"

Angeal pursued his lips. He couldn't help but agree with his apprentice.

Originality was sorely lacking these days....

000

Zack watched his friend shovel food into his mouth. Kunsel had obviously been living on field rations for a while now, long enough to make food from the Mess Hall seem good. The black-haired SOLDIER opened his mouth. "Om nom nom!" he said. He grinned when Kunsel paused long enough to glare. "Om nom nom!"

"Stop it," the other Second-Class SOLDIER muttered around his mouthful of food. He swallowed and shoved another mouthful of 'mashed potatoes' into his gaping maw.

"Om nom nom," Zack whispered a third time.

Kunsel turned red in the face in frustration. "I swear to God, if you say 'om nom nom' one more time, I'll kill you!" he snapped, spraying potato.

"Om nom nom."

Kunsel flung potatoes in Zack's face and started what would later be called "The Mess Hall Incident".

000

"Ah, Angeal, there you... are?" Genesis came to a halt. He eyed the two Second-Class SOLDIERs. "Is that today's Mystery Meat?" he reluctantly asked with a disgusted grimace. He gagged when a gelatinous mass of what was supposed to be gravy slid out of Zack's spikes and splattered onto Angeal's office floor. "Oh nasty..."

"Genesis, not now," Angeal gritted out.

The redheaded First-Class SOLDIER grinned in malicious glee. "Not having fun today, Angeal? You look like someone's shit on your front lawn," he giggled out.

"I should kill you now," Angeal growled. He didn't know whether or not he was addressing Kunsel and Zack or Genesis.

Genesis, feeling decidedly unthreatened, let out a hoot of laughter and ran out of his friend's office.

He so had to tell Sephiroth about this.

000

"Sir, this is Zack Fair, SOLDIER Second-Class." Angeal shoved Zack forward. "Zack this is Director Lazard." The older SOLDIER prayed in vain that this wouldn't be a disaster.

Of course his prayers were duly ignored.

"Wow, you got hair like a girl!" Zack proclaimed. Behind him Angeal squeezed his eyes shut as if the words from his apprentice's mouth had personally stabbed him in the kidneys.

Lazard blinked and then narrowed his eyes. "And you're an idiot. At least I can get a trim," he ground out from behind gritted teeth.

Zack just shrugged and smiled widely. "Says you," he said cheekily.

000

"So... you can grow facial hair, right?" Zack asked, pointing at his mentor's face. He and Angeal were sitting in the older man's sweltering apartment. Apparently the entire building's air conditioning was on the fritz so both SOLDIERs were without their shirts.

"Yes..."

"But we don't have body hair at all, even down there?"

"That's right."

"Because of our Mako treatments, right?"

"Zack, get to the point."

"So... no manscaping for us, huh?"

"Zack. Shut up."

000

"Aww, Angeal, give it back!" Zack whined. Kunsel was standing next to him, fidgeting under his superior officer's glare.

"No, I will not. I don't even know where the hell you even got the plans to make one."

Zack smiled. "From Reno, of course," he said sweetly. Kunsel moaned and buried his face in his hands.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to associate with Reno Sinclair?"

"Come on, Angeal, you gotta lighten up about that incident last month. I mean, it's been a while, right?"

"No."

"It's just a potato launcher!"

"You two broke Sephiroth's office windows. TWICE!"

"Thus proving once and for all that me and Kunsel are fantastic marksmen!"

000

Angeal warily looked up when Zack cleared his throat. "What is it now, Zack?" he asked, feeling exceptionally tired.

"Waffles," Zack said.

"Waffles," Angeal repeated.

"Yeah. Waffles are the epitome of all that is good and pure in our world."

"First off, I don't even know how you know the word 'epitome' and secondly, what are you smoking now?"

"No, no! Listen, Angeal! Okay... so waffles are good and pure, okay? So I say the next time there's a bad guy we use them for the 'Greater Good'!"

"Oh yes, Zack. Evil beware, we have waffles."

"Exactly."

000

Another day.

Another elevator.

Angeal was resigned.

Zack noisily blew his nose into a handkerchief, turned toward the pretty secretary standing next to him, and spoke. "Wanna see what I blew out of my nose?" he offered.

The secretary screeched in disgust.

000

Zack dramatically pointed at Genesis. "YOU!" he bellowed.

Genesis whipped around on his heel and looked at the younger man with wide eyes. "What?" He took a step back at the uncharacteristically angry expression on Zack's youthful face. "What's your problem?"

"I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed yourself!"

"What?"

"SHAME!!! SHAME!!" Zack screamed, throwing his hands up in the air. He ran away, arms waving. "SHAME!!!" The word echoed as he disappeared from view.

"What in the hell just happened?!" Genesis roared.

000

"You think a lot, right Angeal?"

"Zack, do you ever run out of questions?"

"Well?"

"Yes, I think a lot. Why?"

"Do you ever stop to think and forget to start again?"

Angeal forced himself not to stab his apprentice in the eye with his favorite pen.

000

END...

XD


	5. Eccentric

**Mr. Funny**

Disclaimer: What do I have to do to convince you people that I will never own this?!

000

Angeal was a good SOLDIER but there were times when even he could not avoid a head-on collision with Zack Fair. Now was such a time because his apprentice had barreled out of his room and straight into Angeal.

"OH MY GAWD!!" Zack coughed, feathers spewing from his mouth.

Angeal, sprawled flat on his back, sighed. "It's five in the morning…" he muttered. "What is it now, Zack?"

"My pillow is gone!" the Second-Class SOLDIER wailed.

"Pillow?" Angeal asked as he shoved Zack off of him and stood.

"Well… I think I ate it."

"…" Angeal pinched the bridge of his nose. "Explain yourself."

Zack coughed out more feathers and down. "I was dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow and I woke up and my pillow gone!" He fished out one last stubborn piece of feather from his teeth. "Pft…"

000

"I've noticed something about your apprentice, Angeal," Genesis announced as he and the other SOLDIER First watched Zack do warm-up squats.

"Oh?"

"Yes, he's very pretty, isn't he?"

Angeal, thoroughly disturbed, glared at his friend. "Why do you say that?" he asked through gritted teeth.

Genesis let out a 'tsk' and shook his head. "What a splendid head and yet… no brain," the redhead sighed sadly.

000

"Genesis, do you think I talk too much?" Zack asked. He and the SOLDIER First were waiting for Angeal in the SOLDIER's lounge.

"Depends on whether or not you want your feelings hurt," Genesis replied smoothly.

"Well, I was thinking about my parents, you know."

"Oh."

"Yeah, they were always saying I'm a chatterbox. And for the first thirteen years of my life I thought my name was Shut Up."

"I'm not surprised."

000

"Zack, I'm your friend, okay?" Kunsel said.

"Okay."

"So… as your friend, I have to say this."

Zack finally looked up from his water balloon stash. "Say what?" he asked.

"Everyone's entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege."

"Is that your special way of saying that I shouldn't pelt the Undersecretaries with water balloons?"

"Yes. Yes, it is."

000

"Oh, Angeal."

"What?" Angeal grumbled, not even glancing up from his computer.

"Angeal, Angeal, Angeal."

"Zack, the point?"

"It's not how you pick your nose; it's where you put the booger."

Angeal looked up in disgust. "What in the hell are you talking about?" he demanded.

Zack shrugged. "I have no idea," he said with a bright smile.

000

Reno licked his lips and scuttled into the cubicle. He nervously looked around. Confirming that no one was present he sat at the desk and proceeded to turn on the computer. "Alright, Fair, you little shit. Let's see what you have."

PASSWORD? The computer demanded.

Reno typed something and hit 'enter'. He was denied, tried two more possible passwords, and that's when it all went wrong.

"ACCESS DENIED THREE TIMES LOSER!" Zack's voice screamed from the computer speakers. "NYAH NYAH NYAH!" The computer turned itself off. And refused to turn back on.

"Son of a bitch!"

000

"And for Goddess' sake, don't touch anything!" Angeal snapped. He and Zack were currently in an illegal unground lab that had been seized from a renegade Shin-ra scientist out in the plains by the Chocobo Farm.

"But-"

"_Anything_! I mean it!"

"Okay." Unfortunately they split up and Zack forgot.

And thus Angeal heard the five words he never wanted to hear from Zack during a mission echo out in the lab.

"What does this button do?"

Angeal threw himself down onto the floor and covered his head with his hands.

A flock of wild Chocobos scattered as the ground shook violently.

000

Kunsel watched sullenly as Zack jumped and flipped and everything else that shouldn't be possible. He grumbled under his breath.

Zack landed and jogged over to his friend. "So, what do you think?" he asked.

The other SOLDIER jabbed an angry finger at the madman known as Zack. "Quit defying the laws of physics!" Kunsel snarled.

000

"Yay! It's my birthday!" Zack screeched like a crazy monkey. Obviously he was hyped up on the cake that Angeal had gotten him. "WOOO!" He squeaked (which would be denied to his dying day, literally) when Genesis shoved a present into the boy's hands. "Whoa! You're late to my party!"

"Happy birthday," Genesis growled. Prior to his arrival he had to put up with Scarlet's grabby mitts so he wasn't in the best of moods. "Now open the present I got for you so we can all get on with our damned lives."

"Aw, I love you too!"

Genesis snarled.

000

"Uhh… Kunsel, old buddy...." Zack looked at his sleepy friend. The other SOLDIER Second had slept late and Zack had been sent to fetch him.

"What?" Kunsel snuffled out, wiping glowing snot from under his nose. He was obviously sick. Apparently not even Mako could stop the common cold when it was feeling determined.

"It's eleven o'clock, dude. Where are your pants?"

"I… have no clue."

Then Kunsel sneezed glowing green snot all over Zack.

Who screamed.

Like a girl.

000

Da End… :D


	6. Peculiar

**Mr. Funny**

Disclaimer: I really don't understand why I bother? Don't lawyers have better things to do?

000

Zack was silent.

Disturbingly silent.

In fact, Zack looked like he was trying to set his scrambled eggs on fire with a single glare and was failing miserably.

Now normally Zack Fair was one of those people. You know, the really annoying, perky morning people that you wish would drown in their oatmeal. Or choke on their orange juice and die. However, Zack was not his usual obscenely happy morning self.

That scared Angeal.

"Zack, is there something wrong?" Angeal nearly filched when that electric blue gaze swung up to stare at him. But he was a SOLDIER, dammit, tough as nails and all that rot. "Well?" he demanded.

"Who first came up with the idea of eating eggs?" Zack said in reply with a scowl.

Flabbergasted, Angeal helplessly shrugged his broad shoulders. "I have no idea, Zack," he answered soothingly in an attempt to calm his apprentice.

However Zack was compelled to continue. "I mean seriously, Angeal! Who was the first person to say, 'See the chicken over there? I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt.' Who did that? Because you know what? That's disgusting! For Goddess' sake I'm eating scrambled fetuses here!!" he shrieked.

Angeal gaped at the idea and his pallor went green with nausea.

Eww….

000

"… and he laughed so hard that milk blew out of his nose!" Zack finished with a flourish.

Angeal rolled his eyes at the younger SOLDIER's delight with Kunsel spraying milk from his nose after laughing so hard during another of Zack's antics. "That's disgusting, Zack," he said. "Why would you find that funny?"

"At least it wasn't soda!" Zack retorted. "That would have stung." Then he grew pensive for a moment. Angeal concealed his nervous twitch and waited patiently. "Hey Angeal, question."

"Oh Goddess…" the First muttered under his breath. "Go ahead, Zack. Not like I can stop you."

"If a cow laughed really hard, would milk spray out of her nose like Kunsel's did?"

"You drive me crazy, Zack. You really do."

000

Angeal and Zack were in the grocery store and so far Zack hadn't asked a single question. It made the older man nervous, really nervous. But now wasn't the time because he had to get more cooking oil. He dragged the Second-Class SOLDIER with him into the semi-crowded baking supply aisle, which was where they also put the various kinds of cooking oils and spices in as well.

And so they stood side-by-side staring up at the different kinds of oil with Angeal specifically look for a certain brand of vegetable oil that he preferred.

Thus did Zack's inevitable question come from within his oddly wired brain.

"Angeal?" Zack said loudly. He was holding a bottle of corn oil in one hand and a bottle of vegetable oil in the other.

"What?"

"If corn oil is made from corn…. and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is _baby _oil made from?" The younger SOLDIER asked.

Angeal whipped his head around to stare incredulously at his apprentice. "Wha…?" he croaked out.

The little old lady who had been looking at the organic flour next to them nearly choked on her dentures. (Boy, that would teach her to eavesdrop.)

000

"And breaking a mirror is bad luck, too," Kunsel said. He had been listing several superstitions that Zack was eagerly listening to as they rode together in the truck. Angeal was across from them with his eyes closed even though he was wide-awake.

"Oh… you sure about all that stuff?"

"Yeah, that's what a lot of people believe."

Zack thought for a few moments. "Okay. But I have a scenario for you then," he said.

Angeal cracked open an eye to subtly watch Kunsel's reaction for what he was sure to be an absurd question.

"Sure, lay it on me."

"What would happen if you found a four-leaf clover under a ladder?" Zack asked with raised eyebrows, completely serious.

Kunsel's gaping fish imitation secretly pleased Angeal. Good, he wasn't the only one constantly confused by the boy named Zack Fair. It was only… fair after all.

Okay, that was a bad pun on his part…

000

Zack was eyeing the loaf of bread on Genesis' counter and the redheaded SOLDIER wondered how he ended up babysitting the crazy little bastard. Oh yeah… Angeal was afraid to leave the boy alone in his apartment and entrusted Genesis to keep an eye on him. The Loveless obsessed man personally thought his friend's mind was completely fried from being in the Puppy's presence for too long.

Plus apparently Angeal forgot to consider the last time Genesis and Zack were alone together. They had managed to blow up Angeal's kitchen and had covered the entire room with floury, white goop.

"Puppy, what in the hell is wrong with my bread?" Genesis growled. Honestly hadn't he ever seen a loaf honey-oat multi-grain bread before?

"It's square."

"Yes, it is," the redhead replied tersely. "I'm sorry if your mind is too tiny to comprehend the square that my flour products are shaped into by the baker."

"No, I don't understand."

Genesis blinked. "Er… what do you mean, Fair?" he asked.

"Since bread is square, why is sandwich meat round?"

"Your mother dropped you on your head when you were born, didn't she?"

000

In the infamous words of that bastard Dumbledore... "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

XD **End**


	7. Curious

**Mr. Funny**

I'M BAAACK!!! XD

Disclaimer: I really, really don't own this. Hello, then I wouldn't be selling all of my old DVDs to buy Supernatural DVD box-sets.

000

Angeal didn't know how Zack managed to convince him to go to the candy store. He sighed and eyed the rows of candy bins while next to him his apprentice was trying to decide between getting nuts or gummies. One of the clerks then came up to them.

"Do either of you need help?" he asked.

Zack looked at him. "No, I'm just looking at your nuts," he said solemnly.

…

…

…

Angeal shook off his stupefaction, grabbed Zack back the back of his casual shirt, and dragged him out of the store. Roars of laughter from the clerks echoed out after them.

Poor Zack, his face turned beet-red once he realized just what he had said to the male clerk.

000

The coffee had been tasting funny lately. Angeal glared at his mug. And it appeared that it wasn't doing its job of perking him up for the last three weeks. He shrugged. Maybe he shouldn't let Zack make… the coffee?

Wait a minute.

Angeal sniffed the coffee with a confused frown but he couldn't detect any foreign substances with his ultra-sensitive nose. So Zack wasn't putting anything weird in the coffee. But what could be different? Oh, well.

The SOLDIER shrugged and went back to work.

_-Two Days Later-_

Angeal was going to kill one Zack Fair! Three weeks of decaf and then all of the sudden everyone gets espresso?!?! No wonder he was so god-damned jittery today!

"ZACK!!!!"

000

The first time Angeal ever saw Zack, the young boy had been in a one-sided confrontation. One-sided because Zack was just standing there, listening to the older cadet rail at him. The SOLDIER watched and waited, wondering if he needed to interfere.

"And you are the scrawniest little loser I've ever met! You'll never make SOLDIER!" the bully snarled as he finished his diatribe.

Zack smiled calmly and spoke. "Yeah, I'm a loser," he stated, confusing his bully. "But I'm the coolest loser you'll ever meet. So go suck it!" And he skipped away.

Angeal smiled at the memory. And the irony was this: Zack did make SOLDIER. And that bully? Well, he became cannon fodder… err, that is to say, an infantryman.

000

"OOOHH! That big, stupid jerk!" Zack slammed open Angeal's apartment door.

The big SOLDIER looked up from his novel and frowned. "What's wrong, pup?" he asked. He patiently waited as his apprentice sputtered and gestured in an effort to explain. "Slow down and take a deep breath."

Zack inhaled and then exhaled. "Horatio is an ass!" Then he slipped into a falsetto, mocking his fellow Third-Class. "Look at me; I'm sooo much better than you! I'm gonna get a perfect score on my Ranking exam. La la la!" He clacked his teeth shut and ground them. "I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind!" Then he paused. "But not my brain- I need that."

Angeal could only shake his head as the younger SOLDIER stormed right back out.

000

Zack listened with a perplexed expression on his face, Kunsel's Epod cradled in his hand. As the song ended he removed the ear buds and turned toward his friend. "Hey Kunsel?"

"Yeah?" The other brunet looked up from his Rupix cube.

"What's a disco stick and what's so great about riding one?" Zack was concentrating so hard on the Epod that he didn't notice his best friend's evil expression.

"Why don't you ask Commander Hewley? He's got one, I think. Maybe he'll give you a ride if you ask really, really nicely. Like super polite."

Zack perked up. "Yeah! I'll go ask him right now!" He tossed the Epod back to his friend and hurried off. He didn't hear Kunsel's cackling.

_-Angeal's Apartment-_

Angeal and Genesis were sitting in his living room when Zack burst in. Genesis' face revealed his panic but relaxed when the puppy-like SOLDIER zeroed in on Angeal.

"Angeal? I got a question."

A sinking feeling occurred within the eldest SOLDIER's gut. "Oh?" Angeal prompted with a cringe.

The blue-eyed youth cleared his throat and straightened his posture. "Angeal, may I ride on your disco stick?" He looked puzzled when Angeal started choking on his own spit. "What?"

"Do you even know what that is?!" Genesis shrieked in horror.

000

"Hey! Look at this!" Zack held up his laptop and waved it around to grab Angeal's attention.

"Zack, don't wave your laptop in the air! And what?" the SOLDIER First scolded.

"Your fans put up a new site! They call it…" the younger SOLDIER squinted at the screen. "SOLDIER Lovers Fanfics, weird, huh?"

Angeal froze in the middle of a page turn in his novel. "Oh Goddess…" he muttered. He waited with bated breath as he heard his apprentice click on a link.

"Huh? Angeal/Genesis? What does that mean?"

The older man wilted under Zack's curious gaze. "Err… that is to say… that it's a story… where, um, he and I are… together, yeah," he sputtered out.

"Oh! I get it!"

Angeal somehow doubted that.

"Oh look! Here's one with you and me! What's a slashfic? Does it describe us in a battle?" Just as Zack clicked, Angeal, who was using SOLDIER super-speed, snatched the laptop and bopped the boy on the head.

"Never, ever look at that site again!"

000

The universe had just turned itself inside-out.

How did Angeal know this? Because he had caught Zack reading Philosophy for the Mundane by Lewis Madhatter-Dude. They were all doomed. The apocalypse has arrived. Angeal had to approach with caution.

"Zack?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you okay?"

Zack looked up from the book. He furrowed his eyebrows. "Yeah, why?" he asked.

"Erm… no reason, I guess." Panic swirled chaotically in his chest. He jumped when his apprentice closed the book.

"Hey, Angeal?"

"Yeah?" the older SOLDIER whispered from fear of the sky falling down.

"What if… What if the hokey-pokey really _is_ what it's all about?"

000

Kunsel flung a friendly arm around Zack's shoulder. "Hey buddy!" he chirped.

Zack grinned. "What's doing, dude?"

"Well, I have a question for you for once!"

"Oh?"

"Which came first: The chicken or the egg?" the other SOLDIER Third asked solemnly.

Zack thought about it. He opened his mouth to answer only to close it again as he thought some more. Then his face lit up. "The chicken, of course!" he announced proudly.

"What? Why?"

Angeal's apprentice rolled his eyes. "Well, the Goddess sure would look funny sitting on an egg," he replied. Zack grinned as Kunsel hooted in laughter. He so had to say that to Genesis.

000

**END**

You know you missed Zack's antics! I sure did.


	8. Abnormal

**Mr. Funny**

I love me some more Zack! XD

Disclaimer: What part of 'I'm a poor college student who owns nothing' do you not understand? Oh and shout-outs to funny and slightly altered quotes from Supernatural!! XD

000

It was an interrogation room. Now then, Zack wasn't in the one doing the interrogating but rather he was the one being interrogated along with his usual partners-in-crime, Kunzel and Reno. The persons questioning this particular trio were none other than the shiny-haired Tseng and the bored looking Genesis.

"So, you thought it would be funny to just sneak in there with these?" With a flick of his wrist, Tseng flung down a set of ID cards and credit cards.

"Wasn't my idea," Zack replied.

"Snitch," Reno grumbled. He grunted when Kunsel kicked his shin.

Genesis cleared his throat and pointedly eyed Zack. "Fake credit cards, Fair? And fake IDs? You have anything that's real?" he asked. His tone suggested that Angeal was going to hear of this.

"My boobs," Zack said without blinking.

Reno started howling in laughter while Kunsel did a series of giggle-snorts.

000

"There are a lot of dirty things in this world," Kunsel said, being in a weird, philosophical mood. "Lots and lots of dirty things."

"Like pigs in a sty?" Zack wondered absentmindedly. He eyed his Boggle game and jotted down a few more words.

"Yeah man… Like… Politics are dirty. The slums are dirty. The dirt is dirty."

This time Zack actually looked up and gave his friend a concerned look. "Dude, you been smoking something?" he asked.

"Hey, do you think sex is dirty?"

"Only if it's done right," Zack answered.

000

"Can I have a flamethrower for my birthday?" Zack asked.

Angeal slowly turned his head toward his apprentice. "Why?" he demanded.

"Because I want one."

"Zack, just… no, okay? The last thing we need is for you to have a flamethrower." The older SOLDIER tried to get back to his novel but the younger man was persistent.

"Aww, I bet it would be so awesome to have one."

"No."

"Puh-lease!!"

"Why?!"

"There are times when I want to set people on fire but sometimes I'm too far away to get the job done and I don't want to use a Materia."

Angeal and Zack stared at one another, one in horror and the other in pleading. Then the older SOLDIER's expression shuttered closed. "No, and that's final," he said.

"Damn…"

000

Reno was on his hands and knees, peering down the man-sized sewage pipe. He had dropped his keys, unfortunately, and he was calculating the chances of him getting his keys without serious harm to himself. Or getting lost in the sewers.

What he didn't count on was a bored Zack Fair.

So here was Zack, trotting along the street. And what does he see? A target in the shape of a Turk's ass waving in the air. Before another thought/a conscience could enter his usually empty head, he skipped over and punted Reno's butt.

And down Reno went, screaming all the way. Like Alice in the rabbit hole. Except smellier. And not as psychedelic.

Zack continued his stroll, whistling as he went.

000

Zack and Tseng were on a mission together and they had split up. They were hoping to root out some slum rebels. And, just as the SOLDIER popped around a corner, a bullet was planted in the wall by his face. He screamed and swung his sword, his target hopping away.

They eyed one another and Zack snarled. "You almost killed me!" he snapped.

Tseng shrugged unapologetically. "I missed," he pointed out.

The SOLDIER apprentice gave Tseng the evil eye. "You gonna try and kill me now?" he asked with a snarky tone.

"No."

"Good, because that would have been awkward."

"You go that way, I go this way?"

"Yeah, whatever. Just keep an eye out and don't shoot at me again."

"Yes, yes." Tseng rolled his eyes.

"Bastard."

"Crybaby."

000

-Angeal's Office-

"Zack, could you please take this to Accounting?" Angeal handed his apprentice a stack of folders.

"Sure thing!" Zack chirped. "You want fries with that?" And before his mentor could answer he turned away, humming.

Angeal narrowed his eyes as he watched the younger SOLDIER skip away.

-Accounting-

"Here you go!" Zack handed the folders over to some poor, overworked intern.

"Thanks. Hey, could you fix the coffee machine over there?" The intern pointed toward Accounting's Break Room.

"Sure! You want fries with that?"

"Huh?" And before the intern could get his bearings, Zack danced away.

-Genesis' Office-

"Fair!" Genesis called out as Zack was passing by his open door.

Zack popped his head into through the doorway. "Sir?" he wondered.

The redhead tossed the younger man a disc within a blue case. "Could you take that to Sephiroth?" he asked.

"Okay! You want fries with that?"

"Get out!" Genesis snarled.

-Two Hours Later-

Angeal snagged the back of Zack's uniform shirt and hauled the apprentice closer to him. "Zack, what are these reports about you asking people if they want fries with their requests?" he said in a low, dangerous voice.

Zack, oblivious to the danger, smiled brightly. "It's all about good customer service, Angeal!" he replied.

Angeal sighed and let the boy go.

000

Zack stared at the grape juice stain that was on the white carpet, his now empty glass clutched in his hand. The stain stared back. Then the young SOLDIER stared up at the livid Angeal.

"You better pray that comes out," Angeal growled.

"But I'm not religious!" Zack cried.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes and walked into Angeal's kitchen, dragging the laughing Genesis behind him.

000

END

I love Zack, I really do. Lol. XD


	9. An Interlude: Just Another Manic Monday

**Mr. Funny**: _An Interlude of Epic Awesome_

Disclaimer: Don't own a thing except for the lint in my pocket.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Holy hell, you guys! I did not expect this! We're at the one hundred review mark! Yay! And I apologize that I haven't been able to reply to the most recent reviews. Sorry! :bows: So anyway, **_this is for imaginedreams22, the 100th reviewer!_** Thank you so much for reading and, most of all, reviewing. Cyber cookies for everybody!

Here. We. GO!

_000_

It was a day like any other day. Yep, all normal. Nothing to see here folks….

Yeah right.

Zack was plotting.

You see, it was Cherry Pie Monday in the cafeteria. And Zack, he loved pie. Any kind of pie would do. But cherry pie? Oh mama, it had a special place in his heart. He grew up on cherry pie. There was a problem however…

Cherry Pie Monday was a dangerous time in Shin-ra.

There were only so many pies at lunch and too many SOLDIERs. Only SOLDIERs had the coupons to receive cherry pie. The Turks had apple pie coupons for Wednesdays. Yum… apple pie… But we're getting off track. So cherry pie coupons, there were plenty of those. It was the pies themselves that were scarce. Zack didn't feel like fighting the other SOLDIERs for even a small slice. There was only one solution:

Take his competition out.

Zack chortled and slunk off.

_000_

SOLDIER Third Class Hamish McCulloch desperately clutched his cherry pie coupon to his bosom. He furtively darted his gaze around. The mousy man had a bad feeling.

It was too bad that he forgot to look behind him.

Zack pounced.

_000_

Angeal jerked up from his mid-morning nap. He eyed his office in suspicion. But what could have woken him up? And then he froze. The commander knew what caused him to wake.

His Zack senses were tingling…

_000_

Zack threw another tightly bound SOLDIER into the supply closet. He gave his squirming, horrified collection an unholy grin of glee and closed the door, locking it behind him. Not bad work for a Monday morning. He had managed to snag all seventeen of his fellow Third Classers and take them out of the equation.

The blue-eyed menace giggled to himself and skipped away.

000

Sephiroth prowled the halls of the SOLDIER floor. A curious expression graced his angelic face. He nodded to a few of the First Class SOLDIERs. But he wondered to himself:

Where were all of his lower Classed subordinates?

_000_

Second Class SOLDIER Gregory Yammick scrunched himself into a corner of the SOLDIER Materia lab. He ignored the puzzled looks the techs were throwing him. They didn't know. They didn't understand.

He was being hunted.

Too bad he didn't take into account his hunter's desperation for pie. The techs didn't lift a finger as Yammick was knocked into unconsciousness by one Zack Fair and dragged away. Nope, they weren't going to do a thing.

The techs knew better.

_000_

Angeal scrambled into Genesis' office. The redhead looked up at the unexpected intrusion. "Are you alright, my friend?" he asked.

"Goddess, please tell me you've seen Zack," Angeal pleaded.

"Noo… Wait! What day is it today?"

"Cherry Pie Monday… oh, no!"

Genesis leaped up from behind his desk. "Quick! To the cafeteria!" He dashed out of the office with Angeal at his heels.

But it was too late.

_000_

Angeal and Genesis dove into opposite directions as a cackling black-haired blur zipped out of the cafeteria. And thrust up above the blur's head like a prize was a whole cherry pie.

"The pie! Muahahaha! My precious!" And Zack disappeared into his lair… er, office.

"Hey," Genesis wondered aloud as he got up, "Where are the other SOLDIERs?"

_000_

Sephiroth knelt down at the closet door and took out a leather case filled with thin metal wires. He quickly picked the lock and he stood back up. The silver-haired General swung the door open and stared at the pile of desperately wriggling Third and Second Class SOLDIERs.

"Remedial training sessions, all of you," Sephiroth growled.

He closed the door again despite the muffled protests from the gagged and bound SOLDIERs.

_000_

END

Aah, I have no idea where this came from. I hope you enjoyed it! XD


	10. Madness

**Mr. Funny  
**

And now with our regularly scheduled madness!

Disclaimer: What part of 'I'm a poor college student who owns nothing' do you not understand?

000

_Things Zack Aren't Allowed To Do__: Number Twenty-two- You are not to tie-dye the Chocobos._

Zack Fair was a naughty boy. A naughty boy who didn't know rules if they came up and bit him on the ass. And so it was with this in mind, our intrepid hero… er, that is to say, our bad puppy, snuck into the SOLDIERs Chocobo stables with several bottles of hair dye and a bottle of bleach stuffed into a bucket that was swinging from his hands. Only the night was witness to the horror of his deeds.

The sleeping Chocobos didn't have a chance.

_-The Next Morning-_

Genesis stumbled and fell to his knees in front of his mortally offended, formerly black Chocobo. Too bad the poor bird was now a psychedelic rainbow. What was worst was the fact that his fellow war-birds matched him and pretty much could glow in the dark. And then the SOLDIER saw what was painted on the wall at the back of the stall.

_ZACK WAS HERE_

The redhead felt white-hot rage sweep through his body. "ZACKARY FAIR!!! YOU'RE DEAD!!!" he roared.

000

_Things Zack Aren't Allowed To Do__: Number Fifteen- You mustn't address General Sephiroth as your 'pimp-master'._

Glowing green eyes narrowed dangerously. "What did you call me, SOLDIER?" Sephiroth hissed. Now then, normal people at this time would have pissed themselves, but not Zack. Oh no, Zack was immune to all evil glares and warnings of imminent death by Masamune/Buster Sword/Rapier.

"But Pimp-Master Sephiroth, sir! What am I supposed to call you?" Zack asked innocently.

"Get out of my office or die."

000

_Things Zack Aren't Allowed To Do__: Number Six- No matter how much you like Sephiroth's hair, you will not shave it off, make it into a wig, and wear it to work. We don't care if it makes you feel pretty. We also don't even want to know how you even managed to get it done…_

Zack tied the black handkerchief over the lower half of his face. And like a spider, he scuttled down the side of the apartment building and entered the open window.

Usually the silver General never had his windows open. But it was a hot summer night and his apartment was twenty stories up and thus was quite unreachable by the average person and even by the craziest fangirl. However, Sephiroth didn't take into account a determined and devious Zack Fair.

On silent feet, Zack stole across the room like a Wutai Ninja. Sephiroth snorted and rolled over, never sensing the younger SOLDIER diving down flat onto the floor. The blue-eyed menace slowly rose to his knees by the back of his general's head. And in his right hand, Zack wielded a pair of scissors. The fact that Sephiroth wore his hair in a braid whilst sleeping made this scheme so much easier.

Snip.

Snip.

Triumph!

_-The Next Morning-_

Sephiroth sleepily looked up at his bathroom mirror and then froze, now wide awake. His scream, which was quite girlish considering the hour, shook the entire building. Pigeons fled in terror. Dogs howled in the alleys. Cats dove for cover. Old ladies started weeping.

The fan-girls felt a disturbance in the Force.

_-At Shin-ra Inc-_

Sephiroth and Zack stared at each other. One could hear the opening theme to a spaghetti western. A tumbleweed rolled across the floor, moved by a dramatic breeze. And atop Zack's head was a wig made of silver hair of a specific shade particular only to Sephiroth whose own hair now only reached the bottom of his ears in a ragged line.

Zack slowly grinned. "Like my wig? It makes me feel pretty," he said.

Sephiroth's response was to draw his sword.

The crowd around them scattered as Zack peeled down the halls, the General at his heels with murder in his glowing green eyes.

000

_Things Zack Aren't Allowed To Do__: Number One Hundred-Three- You are not to tell the first year cadets that the fried chicken in the Mess Hall is Gongaga Fried Chocobo._

Angeal stared down at the group of weeping, sniveling boys. He crinkled his nose in disgust as one boy vomited onto his boots. They were shrieking about the Mess Hall chicken and Chocobos for some reason. He glared at Genesis.

"Don't look at me like that, Angeal," Genesis drawled. "I brought them to you since you're the sensitive one."

"You!" Angeal barked, pointing at one boy who managed to somewhat calm down. "What's this about, Cadet?"

"One of the SOLDIERs said that the fried chicken is actually fried Chocobo, sir!" the boy wailed, snot dribbling from his nose.

"Fried Chocobo?" Genesis murmured. "From where?"

"From Gongaga!" the same boy screeched. "He said that it was Gongaga Fried Chocobo!" And then he promptly spewed up his dinner onto one of his fellow cadets.

Angeal and Genesis looked at one another. "Zack," they said in exasperated stereo.

000

_Things Zack Aren't Allowed To Do__: Number Forty-three- Bungee jumping off the top of the Shin-ra Building is ill-advised. Don't do it again._

Kunsel looked at the bungee cord and then at his best friend. "I don't know, Zack. This seems like a bad idea," he said.

The blue-eyed SOLDIER laughed and checked his ankle restraints. "No guts, no glory," he replied, waddling and hopping over to the edge. He wagged his eyebrows at his best friend. "Geronimo!" Zack screamed as he flung himself over.

Kunsel squeaked.

_-Lazard's Office-_

Lazard shuffled a few papers and clipped them together. Humming, he placed them in a file.

THUMP!

The blond jumped and whirled around in his executive's chair. He screamed bloody murder at Zack's face that was pressed against the glass, a diabolical grin stretched across his lips, his white teeth flashing. The SOLDIER was hanging upside down, laughing.

Lazard scrambled out of his office, bellowing for Angeal to fetch his demon apprentice.

000

_Things Zack Aren't Allowed To Do__: Number Seventy- Do not, for the love of the Goddess, sing on the PA system. It makes our ears bleed._

"THE HILLS ARE ALIVE AND THEY'RE GOING TO EAT US!" Zack's voice caterwauled out of tune from the speakers that were scattered throughout the barracks. Cadets and SOLDIERs alike wailed in agony, pressing desperate hands against their ears in a bid to save their hearing. A few even fell to their knees and tried to crawl out of the building only to realize that the doors were padlocked from the outside.

"Make him stop!" a cadet screamed, weeping and banging his head against the wall. Several others ripped apart linens and beds to plug up their ears with stuffing.

Angeal, Genesis, and Sephiroth scrambled around, trying to find Zack. But because they were locked in with everyone else, damn inspection day, they didn't find him in the building.

Zack sat on the roof of the barracks, holding a hot-wired microphone and belting out alternate lyrics to famous musicals.

Cackling like a maniac.

000

END

Man, I'm cranking these out! Lol. And yes, Angeal made a list of things Zack isn't allowed to do anymore based on these and many other experiences. Inspired mostly by _Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts_. XD


	11. Zany

**Mr. Funny**

Disclaimer: I own nothing here that you recognize. Would you like some pocket lint and chewing gum wrappers instead?

_Note: Lala! Inspiration has come from reading funny quotes on Stephfunky's profile. Love it, fear it, worship it. XD_

000/000

"_A fart is the cry of an imprisoned turd."_

The elevator was quite crowded today. Currently Zack and Angeal were squished in the middle of the group of chattering and complaining office workers. The older SOLDIER was cursing the fact that two other elevators had broken down, thus explaining the increased traffic in their usual elevator. Even Zack looked a bit put out by the crowd. Out of the corner of his eye though, Angeal saw an unholy grin spread across his apprentice's youthful face.

'Oh Goddess, what is he planning now?' Angeal thought with growing horror as he watched the younger man shift from one foot to the other. And then Zack leaned a little to one side against some male secretary who was throwing him the evil eye...

FRAP-AP-AP! Pft.

As one, the people in the elevator started screaming. Several even pounded on the doors, crying to be let out. The First-Class SOLDIER's eyes crossed as the smell hit him square in the nose.

Angeal threw up a little in his mouth.

000/000

"_You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly, you're not a 'professional' anymore."_

The fourth annual SOLDIER office party was in full swing. There were clumps of SOLDIERs hanging around the lounge, chatting and drinking the punch. Zack was flittering about, being social without being crazy for once. A big smile this side of diabolical was in the curl of his lips however. His bright blue eyes twinkled at an unspoken joke. His mentor, no matter what, kept a wary eye on his apprentice. Angeal didn't like the gleam in the boy's eye. But because he was so busy keeping an eye on the pup he didn't see Reno sneak in with a bottle of slum-brewed SOLDIER strength vodka clutched in his hand.

It was all part of the plan.

Reno made it to the punch bowl, upended the entire bottle into it, and then slithered out with no one the wiser.

It was then that disaster struck as SOLDIERs started to refill their cups and start drinking. Because the vodka had been made especially for SOLDIERs, it had been easy to get drunk. Angeal was a sleepy sort of drunk so he conked out on one of the couches. It was a big mistake because then there was no one to leash his puppy.

Cue Sephiroth and Lazard. They had been discussing several items of importance in the director's office, so they were late to the party. But the first thing they saw was Zack Fair's arse waving in the air as he mooned everyone from his position on top of the table that held the spiked punch bowl. Never mind that several others were stripping or singing obnoxiously, or peeing in a potted plant like one the Second-Class SOLDIERs was doing. Lazard turned red in the face. Sephiroth smacked his gloved palm over his face to hide his laughter.

"ZACHARY FAIR! MY OFFICE NOW!" the SOLDIER Director screamed, swinging his arm around to point back to where he had just come in from.

000/000

"_The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."_

"Hi," Zack shouted.

Genesis and Angeal, who had been walking into the communal gym, looked up. The brunet of the duo of First-Class SOLDIERs sighed and closed his eyes. "Zack, what are you doing?" he demanded. He ignored the muffled snickering from his best friend.

"Um, trying to climb the rope?" the Third-Class SOLDIER answered uncertainly.

"Then why are you tangled in them upside down?" Angeal asked slowly as he opened his eyes.

"Er... I might have slipped and stuff?"

"And stuff," the older man intoned. He exhaled in a frustrated hiss, turned on his heel, and grabbed Genesis to drag him out of the gym. "Let this be a lesson to you!" he shouted over his shoulder.

"AAH! Wait! Help me get down from here! ANGEAL! ANGEAL, I HAVE TO PEE! GET ME DOWN!"

000/000

_"100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?"_

Zack looked at the Rubix cube then back up at Kunsel. "What's this?" he asked.

"It's a puzzle cube," the other Third-Class answered. "See, you twist it until each side is the same color."

"Okay... so what do I do with it?"

"You solve it, doofus!"

"Why?"

"Because it's fun," Kunsel replied through gritted teeth. "I thought you liked puzzles."

"But this just looks painful." Then Zack started twisting the cube rapidly with a bored expression on his face. "Okay, done."

Kunsel could only gap as his friend shoved the solved Rubix cube into his hands and walked away. "But... but..." he sputtered.

"Forget it," Reno said as he scuttled up to the helmet-wearing SOLDIER. "He may be an idiot most of the time, but he's a savant idiot."

000/000

_"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits."_

Zack was torn between laughing and choking. Choking because Angeal had a tight grip on the back of his sweater collar. Laughing because a decidedly bald Genesis was being held back by an amused Sephiroth. Then Angeal started shaking him by his collar like he would with a misbehaving puppy.

"Why did you put Nair in Genesis' shampoo?" Angeal shrieked. "Are you suicidal?"

"LET ME GO! I'M GOING TO KILL THAT LITTLE FUCKER!" Genesis was screaming as he struggled against his General's grip.

"I... erk... didn't think it would... ack... work!" Zack howled as he was shaken.

Lazard just sat behind his desk, munching on some popcorn.

000/000

END

Yay! I popped this out during my free-time between classes! Toodles and much love to my many, many readers and reviewers! And thank you Stephfunky for the fabulous quotes on your profile page!


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